What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 10:49
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And i lived it daily.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
What did i know ?
Do you consider yourself pretty?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Do married men like sucking dick?
When she asked me how she looked .
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Ive learnt so much.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
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I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I have no regrets .
Put me off passion for life!!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
How do flat earthers explain the Earth being stationary? Is this concept considered impossible?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
We were not on the streets..
What happens psychologically to a man the first time he gets penetrated anally?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
One cannot live in the past .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Is it right to visit any shrine or tomb in Islam?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I will be 64.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She married twice! .
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You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Im still living with it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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So whats the point in blame.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She found it foreign!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
This is soul school!.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
My life is so biszare .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I was very sick at this time too.
I waited trembling.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She wouldn,t have been !
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She loved him until the end.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Who then, do I blame.?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I don,t even have a pension.
I said to her
Comes on , in middle age.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
We all went to grammer schools
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He knew the spot.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was scared of men, in general
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He resisted the act ,that day.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was 9 years of age.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
It was going to be , some day.
All the time i was locked up.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But it wasn’t much.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But, we were locked up after school.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I think the readers, may guess!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..